Journeying

This experiment has failed, I never did find my voice for this blog and it fell to the wayside. I've gone back to my old twitter (and was welcomed back with open arms) and I've gone back to blogging about my life on Facebook. I may take a page from the Vamps book and also start up a public Google plus page for my blogging.

But today I wanted to write about something that I wasn't comfortable writing on the Facebook page I share with my husband's coworkers and my family members. That's the one thing I hate about Facebook, how I edit myself because of the audience, there are some personal things that The Vamp's coworkers don't need to know about and there are times when I just want to avoid family drama.

I decided to get back in touch with my spiritual side recently, and while I have not made a braid in my hair or put an earring in my ear, I did put a string around my wrist (Four strings to be exact). It's been weeks since I bought the bracelets and tied them on and wearing them has been more profound than I thought it would.

I catch glimpses of my wrist with the bracelets and I don't see my almost 50 year old arm with the pink and purple bracelets, I see into my pasts, younger arms, different bracelets made of hemp and wooden beads, leather and bone, bracelets with bells and feathers, talismans of different journeys and the different persons I was.

And yet, despite the differences, it's still me. I'm still here. Still asking questions. Still wandering the world.

I was looking at my wrist, noticing the faded colors on the bracelets, seeing the frayed end of the knots, seeing the stains and imperfections in these formerly pristine pieces of thread. And I realized they were still beautiful and perfect, so I brought my wrist to my face and I smelled the flowery Neutrogena Body Oil and the Patchouli and Orange of my favorite perfume and I realized the bracelets were becoming imbued with my essence, that they were becoming a part of me and I felt comforted by the knowledge that everything is working as it should. That despite my fears and doubts, my quest was being completed, that I would find answers.

I am learning what I need to know, even if I'm not aware of it.

Who knows, I may start another braid and put an earring in my ear, and wear a talisman on a leather thong around my neck.

Or maybe not.

Who knows what the future brings?

Falling behind

I am going to transfer all my posts from my old Valkyries Venue blog here, I have saved them and I just need to get the energy up to post them.

I have not been blogging for a while now. I still have the feelings inside, but I am holding them in, stifling myself. My facebook posts are getting longer and longer and I decided that I probably need the creative output my blog represents.

My life has changed since the last time I blogged. Friends have died and are mourned. Family members have died and are not mourned.

I have changed jobs, I have gotten new pets, I have spent my time trying very hard to be a person I wished I was and sometimes I miss the real me. I think the real me wants to come out and play sometimes.

This blog is going to help with that.

Hello World!

This is not a prayer because all prayers are answered and the gods are a malicious lot.

This is a place for me to wonder. Today I'm wondering why me? (The typical answer is Why Not You?... But... I'm not in the mood.)

I spent the day at the hospital yesterday. I will get my test results back on Tuesday, and I will know in 2 or 3 weeks if I need more surgery.

The first thing that came to my mind (and out of my mouth) when my doctor told me about all the tests that I was going to have to endure and the surgeries that will probably be in my future was "Crud...I forgot I was dying."

I don't want thoughts like that in my head!

Unfortunately, my doctor heard me. He laughed and said we shouldn't have to worry about that for some time.

Now, I'm wondering why people laugh at me when I say something from my heart. That is how I was really feeling. This isn't the first time someone has laughed at me. It probably will not be the last. It makes me feel splintered....Like there are two of me. The one who has the thoughts and feelings and the one who utters them in a charming, witty, dark-comedic way.

My cat is curled up on the chair next to me and he is purring. I am reminded about what really matters. I am warm. I am fed. I am loved. I just need to keep chanting that.