Hello World!

This is not a prayer because all prayers are answered and the gods are a malicious lot.

This is a place for me to wonder. Today I'm wondering why me? (The typical answer is Why Not You?... But... I'm not in the mood.)

I spent the day at the hospital yesterday. I will get my test results back on Tuesday, and I will know in 2 or 3 weeks if I need more surgery.

The first thing that came to my mind (and out of my mouth) when my doctor told me about all the tests that I was going to have to endure and the surgeries that will probably be in my future was "Crud...I forgot I was dying."

I don't want thoughts like that in my head!

Unfortunately, my doctor heard me. He laughed and said we shouldn't have to worry about that for some time.

Now, I'm wondering why people laugh at me when I say something from my heart. That is how I was really feeling. This isn't the first time someone has laughed at me. It probably will not be the last. It makes me feel splintered....Like there are two of me. The one who has the thoughts and feelings and the one who utters them in a charming, witty, dark-comedic way.

My cat is curled up on the chair next to me and he is purring. I am reminded about what really matters. I am warm. I am fed. I am loved. I just need to keep chanting that.